Mamihlapinatapai

I have done my best to be careful and kind to myself and also to notice when I am being irrational. At this point, Zoe's needs are actually pretty simple (food, warmth, clean clothes, sleep and interaction) and I am confident that I can meet those needs. But there is this yawning terrifying fear that I will let her down somehow.  This makes me feel paralysed (and so I don't interact with her as much as I want to) or avoidant of sorting out things she needs (such as her baby gym) because I keep researching instead of making a decision.

I am seeing my lovely counsellor on Thursday to try to dig into why this is happening and how to fix it, so I can be more present and actually enjoy Zoe's babyhood. (And stop bursting into tears over daft stuff.) I just realised that part of the issue is all the fear and grief that I kept squashing down through all the waiting and IVF process. So that's a thread we can tug on on Thursday.